Friday, March 22, 2013

Etsy is like Craig’s List?

Yeah. So I decided to give Etsy a whirl. Quickly I discovered that it’s not just your average crafty mom, (the ones who are crocheting huge baby head pieces with large pink flowers) that are looking at your Etsy page.

So, when I made a small sale of some Spanish teaching stuff, It didn't even occur to me that I could be communicating with a violent criminal. It was a whole predatory scam, just to meet and contact women. I sent my product to their address, and got it back with a huge stamp on it saying that I needed their inmate number... Great!

I didn’t realize that Etsy is a bit like Craig’s list… except instead of abused furniture and shady apartments for sublet, its upcycled children’s clothing and monogrammed mom jewelry.

I knew that Craig’s List was a place for serial killers to schmooze their way into your home, but Etsy? Don’t they specialize in moms who sell other moms their homemade crafty wares? Like cozy knitted scarves and sticky wall murals and vintage crap made into oversized bags? Is there nowhere safe to do e-commerce?

Here are a few tips to avoid getting stalked by an inmate on Etsy.

1.       No pictures of yourself. Anywhere on the site. You might not need to be told this. However, if you are like me, where pastel web design lures you into a false sense of security, you need this spelled out for you.

2.       Just clicking the button that says “female” on your profile really is all it takes to excite the lonely inmate… so don’t do that.

3.       Use a fake name – is a bitch.

4.       Get a P.O. Box… for all the obvious reasons.

So let’s say you’ve made contact with a lonely inmate.

1.       When they start begging you to call them on their phone during their allotted payphone time, cancel your account.

2.       Have your mom phone harrass their social worker, to find out exactly how violent they are, when they’re getting out and if they are allowed into your state. (Thanks, Mom!)

3.       Start thinking about who is going to star as you, when this whole thing goes to pot and Lifetime purchases the rights to your story. “The Etsy Killer; Crafty Moms, Monogrammed Jewelry and Murder”

I guess I just don’t think like a lonely inmate. Where, instead of or e-harmony, I would try to find “the one” by creating an Etsy account and feigning an interest in beginner level Spanish worksheets for middle schoolers. It just seems like a roundabout way to find love.

Then again, don't knock it til you've tried it?
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Thursday, March 14, 2013

An Untellable Truth that all Moms Share.

Walking into the gym today, I happened to meet up with a mom friend I see from time to time. From this point forward, I will refer to her as “Mom Friend I See from Time to Time at the Gym”.  We both had the same disheveled appearance that could only mean one thing – The aftermath of daylight savings time when children are involved.

We hopped on side by side treadmills and began to trudge along.
Maybe it was our mutual exhaustion. Maybe we didn’t have enough coffee this morning. Maybe it was because we were forced watch this guy on a treadmill directly in front of us slowly lose his pants due to excessive sweat. His butt crack, ever so slowly, escaping from his sport shorts.  Whatever it was, we bridged a gap between us today. We told an untellable truth that all moms share.
We were both wearing yoga pants we had slept in.
How this came to be known was due to a blurt I happened to blurt out. It is possible that if I wasn’t living an hour into the future, I wouldn’t have said it. However, it just popped out of my mouth.
Perhaps, “Mom Friend I See from Time to Time at the Gym” on a normal time day wouldn’t have offered up the same truth. She might have acted horrified and laughed at me for my unkemptness.  She might have very well tossed her hair over her shoulders, in ridicule and disgust. Instead she shrugged and said, “Me too. And I’m going to Target after this.”
This leads me to believe that if I’m doing it… If “Mom Friend I See from Time to Time at the Gym” does it… then who else is doing it? Hmmm?
I can't seem to figure out if this makes me feel less skuzzy or more skuzzy.
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Thursday, March 7, 2013

My Cat Loves it When I’m Sick

So I came down with a nasty little bug this morning, and the most beautiful thing happened. No one wanted to be near me.

They high tailed it out of there, the moment they saw my green face. I was left alone, with a gallon of Gatorade and the remote control. Oh yeah. What’s a little stomach bug when I get to watch whatever I want on TV? And at least when I’m puking in the bathroom, no one is “keeping me company” while I do it. I get to sleep! Sure, it is a fitful feverish crazy dream sleep where I wake up feeling like death is upon me, but it is uninterrupted.

The cats are thrilled. For them it is an ideal day. The little noisy human is gone, they sense my weakness and they get to lie all over me. They get to do that thing, that weird cat thing, where they bite my hair and kind of mold it into a pillow for them to sleep in. I never let them do that when I’m healthy enough to shoo them away. I also let them drink my Gatorade.

I cannot believe I’ve lived this long without seeing some of these Lifetime movies. These are classics. Here are a few that I would say are “Must See”:

Co-Ed Call Girl – Tori Spelling is a struggling college student who can’t find any part-time work to support herself, so instead of putting in some hours at the mall like the rest of us did, she is becomes a high-end prostitute. Fascinating points of the movie – Tori’s hair is very very blonde. Moral of the story – Men are bad.

To Be Fat Like Me – This is a very serious movie, where Kaley Cuoco (pre- Big Bang Theory) stars as a popular skinny girl who decides to dress up in a hysterically comical fat suit and video document her struggles during summer school. Fascinating point of the movie- the fat suit looks like a sumo wrestler fat suit, but is somehow convincing to everyone around her. Moral of the story – Men are bad.

She’s Too Young – A goody two shoes high school girl gets a venereal disease! So shocking. Fascinating point of the movie – Throwback! It was made ten years ago and the high school kids all use instant messaging. Moral of story – Men are bad, even in high school.

As the end of the day draws near, I will eventually be reunited with the people I live with. They will greet me in the same clothes they left me in, but surrounded by tissues, cats sleeping in my hair, half empty glasses of Gatorade and germs. Lots of germs.

The cats will give them irritated looks, as they slink off to retreat to higher ground so as to avoid the little human they dislike so much. Thanks to the Lifetime Movie Network, I will be slightly more of a feminist than when they left me in the early morning. The cats and I will have bonded.  
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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Get Your Floppy Newborn in a Rose off Facebook, Please.

What is up with these photos of newborns all crumpled up and sleeping in a flower? Do you know what I’m referring to? It’s those photos, where brand new babies are photographed in a flower.

They are naked. The picture is always in “sepia”. The edges are all airbrushed. They are all over Facebook.

Listen. I don’t want to see your crumpled up newborn, flopped over and sleeping in a rosebud. Or a bed of pansies, or daisies or whatever you think is effervescent and metaphorical of the new innocent life experience you are witnessing when you look at them.

These pictures make me nervous. I was told that babies needed head support and to be kept warm. No one ever said it was okay to get them naked and prop them up in an Easter basket so that you had that perfect photo for your scrapbook collection.

Not safe.

It was one thing when these pictures just appeared in coffee table books, but now I have to see them every time I look at the newsfeed in my Facebook? Seriously?

Why are they always wearing huge headpieces, of a flower? Why are they in odd places, ones where you’d normally get a visit from CPS if you kept your baby there. Like a bed of yarn. Or a wicker laundry basket. Or in a burlap sack. Or the top of a freakin’ bed of roses.
Freaking me out.

I don’t know. Having said all that, newborns propped up next to cats are okay.
Bre and Rowy.
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Friday, February 15, 2013

Mom Jeans and Other Horrors from a Wardrobe Gone Mom.

Today when I was getting dressed a realization hit me hard. I was wearing Mom Jeans. It came to me as I was zipping up the fly. The zipper kind of pinched my belly button, and that’s when I had the following interior monologue,

“Hmm. Why does this zipper go past my belly button? Hey, this is a really long zipper, oh my God. These are Mom Jeans. NOOOOOOOOOO!”

I stared up at the sky, and continued to scream in agony. Rain fell, an indie song started to play, and my hair got really wet and stringy. Yes, that is exactly how it happened.

After I calmed down a bit I had to reflect. I had bought these jeans a year ago. I have been wearing them often. How had I not noticed this? Looking in the mirror I saw all the Mom Jeans characteristics in full display. Long butt. Very long zipper. Extremely high waist. Very large pockets.

What else in my wardrobe has been mommed out? I was at peace with my Mom Bag situation. However, now I had to look into my closet with a new perspective, and give myself a reality check on what other mom outfits needed to go.

Hey you. Why are you here little guy? Why did I buy you? Is there a reason I felt compelled to buy something that kept my body warm but my arms cold? When have I ever complained of really hot arms, but a really cold torso? OOO you are fleece. I think that all that cat hair enhances your appearance.

Oh my God. Are you sneakers? Are you shoes? WHAT ARE YOU? You are freakin’ comfortable that’s what you are. Do I wear you with socks? Because that’s what I’ve been doing. Wearing socks with you, nice fluffy white socks.

Hey guys! Ahhh… remember when we first saw each other? It was right after the baby was born. Nothing fit me, but you did. You never judged me. Oh yes, you’re fleece too. I must have been in a fleece stage or something? Anyway, why are you periwinkle?

Oh you are so tricky! Full of surprises. No one would ever know that you are ONE shirt… a sweater over a fitted blouse, that’s what they think you are. But oh no… you are not. Very classy.

Yeah, you just say it all, don’t you? “I am not getting dressed today. I just want to be left alone, with a Lifetime movie on and a box of something chocolaty.” This was also bought off QVC, which makes it all the more awesome.

Who am I fooling? I am not throwing any of these golden staples of my wardrobe away. That just isn’t happening.  These things are kind of like “Mom” herself, cozy, non-judgmental, cuddly, a bit unfashionable but always loveable. And even though I will try to stop wearing them in public, the truth is, I probably won’t. In fact, I’m wearing my periwinkle fleece pants right now.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Just Sayin’… The Bachelor Looks Like that Show, Sister Wives

Watching The Bachelor on ABC has really made me wonder if I’m actually watching a better version of the TLC show, Sister Wives. He seems to really love all of them constantly, all the girls really get along well, and they talk about him all the time.
I’m pretty sure that isn’t their intention, since all they ever blab on and on about is love and one love and true love and being in love and metaphors about love. How love is like a rock climbing, parasailing, scuba diving, cooking, running, helicopter rides, picnicking, hot-tubbing, sneezing, peeing, etc.
However this week, when I saw the previews for the “hometown” dates, I got confused. Why does the bachelor always have to ask each of the dads for his “blessing”? Did anyone (besides a polygamist) really have 4 girls that they wanted to marry at the same time?
After I was confused, I got angry. Who the hell are you, Sean, to go and ask some poor dad for his blessing when you are dating THREE OTHER WOMEN!
How come the crazy “villan” girl always has the most valid points? Valid points if you are shooting for a monogamist relationship anyway. They really paint her out to be cray cray, when all she is saying that she hates all the other women who are dating her boyfriend. Shouldn’t you hate other women who are dating your boyfriend? That sounds like an okay feeling.
Then they always pan the camera back to the women, who are in their pajamas, eating, bitching about the girl with the valid points, no make-up, hair all floppy. They look exactly like I do when I am watching the Bachelor. I think that hanging out with each other looks like fun, maybe even more fun than hanging out with Sean.
I want to ask Sean if he’s even seen that show, Sister Wives. They seem to make it work.
Just sayin’.
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